EPISODE 7: THE HETFIELD HORROR
Our investigators stand on the precipice of answers or oblivion in this hellish mystery. Having learned of their murdered housemate's double life, they've traveled to her home town: the rural village of Dunwich.
The locals have warned that Hillary Hetfield, the mother of the deceased, is crazed - and someone, or something has been roaming the countryside desiccating pets and livestock.
The party drives deeper into the rural land toward the Hetfield house; unnerved and ready for trouble.
Content Warning: Incest, Islamophobia, violence, gore
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Full Transcript Below
Original score composed and performed by Ryan and Mike McQuinn of Neon Dolphin Music Design
CREDITS:
Written & Performed by:
Luke Stram – The Keeper
Doug Banks | Cat Blackard | Brandon Gerson | Kay | Ruel Knudson
Sound Design: Colin Peterson
Editing: Colin Peterson & Cat Blackard
Story Editing: Cat Blackard
Cast:
Doug Banks as Hank O’Brien Jr.
Cat Blackard as Cyril Bridgewater
Brandon Gerson as Father Grandfather
Kay as Deloras Delaney
Ruel Knudson as Sam Spade
Cat Blackard as The Narrator/The Announcer
Additional Voices by Jessica Uelman and Kay
Musical Spotlight: "The Rake's Song" by Orlinda
Original Score: Ryan McQuinn and Mike McQuinn
Neon Dolphin - Bandcamp
Series I Album Art by Tony Baldini
SUPPLEMENTAL MATERIALS:
-
Campaign: “Behold the Mother” from Dead Reckonings
-
Character sheets and profiles
TRANSCRIPT:
[Omniverse Audio Brand]
Announcer:
The Call of Cthulhu Mystery Program contains content that may not be suitable for all ages - listener discretion is advised.
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[Intro Music]
Gruff Voice:
Do you hear that?
[SFX: Echoing wail.]
Gruff Voice:
In the cruel blackness of night, an unknowable evil from beyond time cries out! What dark deeds unfold on the streets of Arkham? And which unwitting souls, innocent or impure, will succumb to the maddening call? The call…of Cthulhu!
Announcer:
Red Hook Sanitary Products brings you Part 7 of The Call of Cthulhu Mystery Program. Tonight’s strange story: “The Hetfield Horror.”
And now, an important dramatization for mothers and daughters alike.
Daughter:
I hate the moon! I’m afraid of it. For when it shines on certain scenes familiar and loved, it sometimes makes them unfamiliar and hideous.
Mother:
Oh, dear. Don’t be so dramatic. It happens to every young girl your age. You’ve got it far better than I had.
Daughter:
Hardly!
Mother:
I’ve got in my hand the most valuable sanitary help ever offered womankind: Red Hook Sanitary Products’ Mormo Catamenial Device.
Daughter:
A what?
Mother:
An internal sanitary napkin, dear. It’s nothing like those antediluvian measures I had growing up. There’s no pins, pads, belt, or release valve. Mormo sanitary napkins are hygienic, compact, and comfortable.
Daughter:
You mean I can still wear my glad rags?
Mother:
You certainly can! These sanitary napkins are absolutely invisible, even with the most perfectly fitted gowns. And they’re designed by a physician so they’re safe.
Daughter:
Mormo sounds nifty, Mother! You’re the bee’s knees! I’m going to try it out right now!
Mother:
Women who seek daintiness, peace of mind, exquisiteness, and safety under all circumstances reach for Mormo Brand Sanitary napkins. You can find them discreetly wrapped at your drugstore counter. Get them without embarrassment simply by saying, “Mormos.”
Narrator:
Our investigators stand on the precipice of answers or oblivion in this hellish mystery. Having learned of their murdered housemate’s double life, they’ve traveled to her hometown, the rural village of Dunwich.
The locals have warned that Hillary Hetfield, the mother of the deceased, is crazed and someone or something has been roaming the countryside, desiccating pets and livestock. Unnerved and ready for trouble, the party drives deeper into the rural land towards the Hetfield house, the peaceful, purple dusk giving way to menacing darkness under the shadow of an oppressive thunderhead.
[SFX: Crickets chirping.]
[SFX: The roll of thunder.]
[SFX: Car engine.]
Keeper:
You can kind of barely see it from the road. You guys did pass a crazy-looking dilapidated farm cottage just covered in freaking creepy occult symbols and everything. Cyril, from your background, I’m not even going to make you roll. You just—you just recognize those are, like—those are warding symbols to keep away.
Cyril Bridgewater:
Looks like we’ve got some—
Sam Spade:
That’s not the place.
Cyril Bridgewater:
—yeah, it’s not the place, but generally these people here or there are very superstitious, but they know—they think they know some black magic. I’m saying, you know, we might be walking into a serious den of crazy.
Hank O’Brien Jr.:
What else is new?
Keeper:
As you guys are driving out there, make a Spot Hidden.
[Dice roll.]
Cyril Bridgewater [Out of Character]:
22 out of 38.
Keeper:
Okay.
Deloras Delaney [Out of Character]:
I miss.
Sam Spade [Out of Character]:
68 out of 85.
Keeper:
Okay. Okay, so, the good Father drives past you guys, keeps going, and then a couple of you guys notice there you think is the house way off the path. You guys pull to a stop.
[SFX: Car engine dies.]
Keeper:
Father, you see in your rearview they’ve stopped—
[SFX: Car door slams.]
Keeper:
Are you going to keep driving or are you going to go back to them?
[SFX: Car door slams.]
Father Grandfather [Out of Character]:
I guess I’ll turn back.
Keeper:
Okay. You turn around as they’re all wandering towards a house that is barely visible from the road.
[SFX: Tires turning on gravel.]
[SFX: Steady, drizzling rain.]
Keeper:
As you guys make your way towards it, you guys are finding animals strewn around the woods and yard in front of this place. Little tiny animals of various types. They look pretty similar to—
[SFX: Crack of thunder.]
Keeper:
—what happened to that dog: desiccated, chewed-up. It’s ugly.
Sam Spade:
Oh, I’m drawing my weapon and cocking it.
[SFX: .38 is cocked.]
Father Grandfather [Out of Character]:
I like the way you say that.
[Cast laughs.]
Sam Spade [Out of Character]:
I just—I figured I had to specify that it needed to be cocked.
Father Grandfather [Out of Character]:
“I’m cocking it.”
Keeper:
So, yeah, your gun is loaded and ready.
Cyril Bridgewater:
If I see Sam’s getting ready, I’ll get my knife—
Keeper:
Knife comes out?
Cyril Bridgewater [Out of Character]:
—out. Yes.
Keeper:
Okay.
Deloras Delaney:
Tiny, baby Derringer.
Keeper:
Okay.
Hank O’Brien Jr.:
I’m still holding the same rifle at this point.
Keeper:
Yep.
Hank O’Brien Jr. [Out of Character]:
Is Sam in the front or in the back?
Sam Spade [Out of Character]:
Got a rifle?
Hank O’Brien Jr. [Out of Character]:
Yeah.
Sam Spade [Out of Character]:
I am to your right, forward.
Hank O’Brien Jr.:
Then I will lean over to Sam and say, You think a bear did all that, too?
Father Grandfather [Out of Character]:
Have I caught up to them yet?
Keeper:
Yeah, yeah. You’re running up to them.
Sam Spade:
Maybe a bunch of baby bears and the momma bear?
Keeper:
They’ve got their guns out at this point.
Father Grandfather:
Oh! Well, I’ve taken—
Hank O’Brien Jr.:
Alright then. I’ll just sit back and—
Father Grandfather:
—I’ve taken out the special—
Deloras Delaney [Out of Character]:
It’s a bear witch!
Father Grandfather:
—large Bible that Cyril tried to open earlier.
Keeper:
Okay. So are you retrieving the holy contents from within?
Father Grandfather:
Yeah, I’m getting out my anti-personnel mine—
[SFX: Dramatic stinger.]
Father Grandfather:
—from my Bible. Got it ready to go.
Sam Spade:
What in Jesus’s name is that shit?
Father Grandfather:
It’s—yeah. It’s called your Lord and Savior. Righteous fire. We gon’ need it.
Cyril Bridgewater:
Why—why did I ever agree to this?
Hank O’Brien Jr.:
For nine dollars!
Father Grandfather:
Baby, let’s go!
Keeper:
So, yeah, as you guys pass by all these withered and partially devoured animals, you see this house. It is drowned out in shadows, trees growing thick all around it, ancient mossy trunks all around. This place looks terrible. Ivy is crawling all over the exterior of the house and you guys don’t see any signs of—any signs of life. No smoke or lights from within or anything.
Deloras Delaney:
We should just burn it to the ground right now before we even get in there.
Father Grandfather:
Don’t tempt me.
Sam Spade:
No, there could be, like, people. People. Normal people in there.
Deloras Delaney:
Do you think a normal person would live in a house like this with dead animals in the yard?
Hank O’Brien Jr. [Out of Character]:
Well, whoever’s in there is scared of bad stuff getting in, so it can’t be—
Father Grandfather:
If we do kill them—
Sam Spade [Out of Character - to Hank O’Brien Jr.]:
No, this is the other house. The one with the hex—
Hank O’Brien Jr. [Out of Character]:
Oh, this is the other house? Okay.
Sam Spade [Out of Character]:
Yeah.
Father Grandfather:
If they’re normal, then they’ll go to heaven if we kill them, and it’s okay.
Sam Spade:
Whoever’s in that house, come out! I’m a federal agent!
Keeper:
No response.
Father Grandfather:
I’m going to bust in through the front.
Keeper:
Father kicks the door open—
[SFX: Door violently crashes open.]
Keeper:
—and there is a—
Sam Spade:
I’m staying outside!
Keeper:
—blast of dust everywhere as the door goes flying in. And the inside is gloomy and damp: mildew, mold everywhere, fungal growths. The curtains, furniture, and everything are crumbling to shreds and everything looks moist to the touch in here.
Deloras Delaney [Out of Character]:
Ew.
Father Grandfather [Out of Character]:
Are there stairs that are up or down?
Keeper:
In here? Well, you see there’s a couple of rooms further back.
Deloras Delaney [Out of Character]:
You see, stairs can be both!
Keeper:
And then—
Father Grandfather [Out of Character]:
Shut up!
Keeper:
—from beyond the living room, there’s kind of a hallway. Looks like a couple of rooms lead off to it, and then behind it, probably a kitchen. And then there’s stairs that lead up.
Father Grandfather:
I’m just running as fast as I can to the stairs.
Sam Spade:
I am not following that man into a building while he is carrying a landmine.
Cyril Bridgewater:
That’s a landmine?
Sam Spade:
That is a landmine.
Keeper:
So—
Cyril Bridgewater:
How the hell did he get that?
Sam Spade:
Just let him run around. It’ll go off.
Keeper:
Father goes clambering up the stairs and, Father, at the top of the stairs you see a door keeping—looks like a pretty heavily locked door that has been smashed open.
Father Grandfather [Out of Character]:
Can I pop my head inside?
Keeper:
Yeah, certainly.
Father Grandfather [Out of Character]:
Look around?
Sam Spade [Out of Character]:
CRUNCH!
[Cast laughs.]
Father Grandfather [Out of Character]:
Will this be the end for Father Grandfather?
Sam Spade [Out of Character]:
One can only hope.
Keeper:
There’s—up here in the attic, it’s pretty large and there’s not a lot in there. There’s just a few boxes and trunks. Looks like some old clothes, toys, and junk kind of strewn around. The same dampness and decay is here as pretty much everywhere. You guys see places where it looks like there are vines growing down through the roof. This place does not look good. There’s a door towards the back of it and you guys also see a few rows of shelves as well containing things in jars, but it’s dark, so you’d have to get close to see what they are.
Hank O’Brien Jr. [Out of Character]:
We ain’t in there.
Cyril Bridgewater [Out of Character]:
Yeah. Just Father Grandfather currently running around—
Father Grandfather:
I’m going to go towards the door while they’re doing whatever they’re doing.
Keeper:
Okay. Make a Luck roll.
Sam Spade [Out of Character]:
We’re waiting outside for the boom!
[Cast laughs.]
Hank O’Brien Jr. [Out of Character]:
I just saw a crazy man run inside a building—
Sam Spade [Out of Character]:
Carrying a landmine!
Keeper:
So yeah, the rest of you guys are totally tense because that could go off at any time.
Sam Spade [Out of Character]:
Yep.
Father Grandfather [Out of Character]:
I got a 44 out of 35.
Keeper:
Yeah, as—by the way, Father, as you’re walking through this whole place, it’s all glistening and sick. It’s like—it’s covered in something. Just—
Father Grandfather:
I don’t even notice. I’m running.
Sam Spade: [Out of Character]
Vaseline. Devil Vaseline!
Keeper:
Yeah, it’s even worse up here. You got how much?
Father Grandfather [Out of Character]:
I got a 44 out of 35.
Keeper:
Okay. So you take a point of Damage as you tear your leg up as it goes through rotten planks. You guys hear a terrible crack—
[SFX: Sharp crack.]
Keeper:
—and are waiting for the house to explode, but it doesn’t. Father, you pull your leg back up out—
Hank O’Brien Jr.:
I unslip—I unsling my rifle and I just hold it.
Keeper:
Father, you pull your leg back up out and proceed to creep forward again, getting closer to the jars and the door. Kind of—because there’s the door and then to the side of it, to the right side of it is the shelves. It looks like—basically, there’s a lot of different things in there: sizes and colors. A lot of it’s vegetables: beets, beans, tomatoes, and stuff. Some of it looks like maybe canned fish. Some of it’s you can kind of see what it is; some of it’s totally opaque. I don’t know if you want to look through all that or just—
Father Grandfather:
I’m ignoring all of it.
Keeper:
Okay.
Father Grandfather:
I see a door. Door is my path to righteousness.
Keeper:
Okay, so you—
Father Grandfather:
My destiny!
Keeper:
—you make your way to door and you swing that door open.
[SFX: Door opens.]
Keeper:
And within it you find what looks like a windowless workroom in here. And it reeks. Looking around inside this room, there’s dried herbs and snakes hanging from the rafters.
Father Grandfather [Out of Character]:
Living or dead?
Keeper:
Dead. All dead and dried-out. Desiccated. You guys also—you also see, looking around, you see a human skull resting atop a pile of loose papers, a couple of books lying open, and besides that, you see just a lot of piles of just strange things, rotten things. Maybe some of it was vegetable matter. It’s hard to tell.
Father Grandfather [Out of Character]:
Any books of interest? Should I roll?
Keeper:
Well, if you want to look them over…
Father Grandfather [Out of Character]:
I have a knowledge of 95. I know all things. The Lord has given me knowledge from two negative years before I was born.
Keeper:
The first one looks like it’s a black-bound leather book and it’s got no title on it. You flip it open—
[SFX: Pages turn in a book.]
Keeper:
—and it looks like it’s handmade.
Father Grandfather:
I like handmade! Nobody does handmade anymore.
Keeper:
Yeah. That’s gotten crabbed writing in it and is—
Father Grandfather:
It’s hard to read.
Keeper:
Exactly.
Father Grandfather [Out of Character]:
Goddamn! I guess I’ll read it for the audience.
Hank O’Brien Jr. [Out of Character]:
Don’t take the Lord’s name in vain!
Father Grandfather [Out of Character]:
Oh, it’s not in vain, good Sir, when you see this.
[Cast laughs.]
Father Grandfather:
Excerpts from Hillary Hetfield’s Grimoire. Grim-more? “Grimoire.” Grimoire.
Hank O’Brien Jr. [Out of Character]:
Knowledge of 95!
[Cast laughs.]
Father Grandfather:
“April 15th. It is my destiny. (That’s what I said.) I hear the sign and the stars are right. Through me has the Black Goat of the Woods borne twins, one growing upon the other. (I knew it!) Did not my son impregnate my daughter, (I called it!) thereby conceiving that grandchild according to the prophecy of old, (Well, this was in the Bible) which (I can’t even read that) Von Junzt knew and recorded in his Black Book?
The ancient druids knew three to be the sacred number, and this third child shall be the one foretold, the gateway between the flesh of Eve and the flesh of the goddess. Even unto the Black Goat of the Woods shall she be a daughter, the Mother of Pus, and her ascension to godhead shall be a sign that the time of the Old Ones draws ever nigh.
This very night, I saw as if in a dream the birth of my beautiful granddaughter, she that I have long awaited. I leave this minute for Arkham where amid the offal and decay she awaits my call and the call of the Goddess (I can’t even read this.) Iä! Shub-Niggurath! Iä! Mother of Puss!” (Honestly, I don’t know what this says.)
Cyril Bridgewater [Out of Character]:
Watch your damn mouth!
Hank O’Brien Jr. [Out of Character]:
“Mother of Puss!”
[Cast laughs.]
Father Grandfather [Out of Character]:
It says P-U-S.
Hank O’Brien Jr. [Out of Character]:
That’s “pus!”
Father Grandfather [Out of Character]:
I mean, I don’t know.
Hank O’Brien Jr. [Out of Character]:
95!
Father Grandfather [Out of Character]:
“Mother of Puss!”
Keeper:
So you just flip through. That’s the last—
Father Grandfather [Out of Character]:
Yeah.
Keeper:
—the last entry on it.
Father Grandfather [Out of Character]:
Well, it was what I said. She was pregnant with the devil!
Keeper:
April 15th was yesterday and—
Father Grandfather [Out of Character]:
Wait a sec.
Keeper:
—the other thing you see here is a big, heavy book. Looking on it, it appears to be an English translation. The name of the book is Nameless Cults and there’s an author on it: Friedrich Wilhelm von Junzt.
Father Grandfather [Out of Character]:
Oh! That was—I know that name. I just read that name. I got to read all this?
Cyril Bridgewater [Out of Character]:
You don’t got to do anything you don’t want to do.
Father Grandfather [Out of Character]:
It’s, like, a whole page. Something about an Arab and the Mother of Pus again. This is very long. TLDR. Look, it has something to do with A-rabs, so I’m not too fancy—
Keeper:
Yeah, well—
Father Grandfather [Out of Character]:
—too keen on reading it.
Keeper:
Looking on the page next to it, you notice there’s some—looks like a crazy ritual, kind of almost like a description for a Mass, but…
Father Grandfather [Out of Character]:
Oh, can I read it? I might as well read it out loud. What’s the harm in that? See what happens.
[Cast laughs.]
Keeper:
Well, it’s got a lot of notes attending to it.
Father Grandfather [Out of Character]:
Oh, okay. Well, if you say so.
Keeper:
As you’re reading through it, you guys are all outside. What are you guys up to? Just still waiting?
Sam Spade [Out of Character]:
Oh, we were just waiting for the explosion.
Hank O’Brien Jr. [Out of Character]:
I’m imagining that we were just sitting there, silent, waiting—
Deloras Delaney [Out of Character]:
Hearing crickets.
Hank O’Brien Jr. [Out of Character]:
We hear him trip: [mimics sound of splintering wood]… Just waiting some more!
Keeper:
Okay, well, Father—
Deloras Delaney [Out of Character]:
Outside noises.
[SFX: Rummaging, shuffling.]
Keeper:
You think you heard something back out in the main room.
[SFX: Glass shatters.]
Father Grandfather:
Well, I guess I turn around and look out the door. Go back towards the main room. Am I still carrying the ritual—I’m going to carry the ritual book.
Keeper:
Yeah. I’m guessing you’ve got—
Father Grandfather:
That occult book.
Keeper:
—you’ve got both of the books with you.
Father Grandfather:
I’ve got all of the books!
Keeper:
Yeah, okay. And—
Father Grandfather [Out of Character]:
The Lord giveth me strong arms to carry knowledge.
Keeper:
Looking around—make a Spot Hidden roll.
Father Grandfather [Out of Character]:
I’m going to fuck this up. It’s a 25. I’m about to blow shit up. If I’d known Spot Hidden was so fucking important, I’d have tried—I got it! I did it! 11 out of 25.
Keeper:
Okay.
Father Grandfather [Out of Character]:
I got Spot Hidden check.
Keeper:
You’re looking around, looks like the cupboard containing all of those jars—looks like it’s moved a little bit.
Father Grandfather [Out of Character]:
Jars that move. Can I check it to see if there’s, like, maybe a hidden passageway or a door-swinging contraption?
Keeper:
Yeah, yeah. You look around at it. Underneath, it looks like there’s, like, a—there is a thing that can be pushed aside and as you push it aside—
[SFX: Creaking of a wooden lever.]
Keeper:
—what’s your Dexterity?
Father Grandfather [Out of Character]:
My Dexterity is 15.
Keeper:
Awesome. Okay!
Father Grandfather:
The Lord shall provide all that I need to accomplish.
Keeper:
So you push this thing aside and all of a sudden, a hunched and drooling, beady-eyed creature—
[SFX: Vicious, ferocious, growling snarl of a beast.]
Keeper:
—lunges out at you—
Father Grandfather [Out of Character]:
Landmine!
[Cast laughs.]
Keeper:
This thing looks like a twisted mockery of humanity and doesn’t seem to have any back legs discernible. As this thing hurls out at you—make a Sanity check.
Father Grandfather [Out of Character]:
Lord. Giveth me my Sanity brains.
[SFX: Snarling, growling.]
Sam Spade [Out of Character]:
He’s going to blow himself up with that landmine.
Hank O’Brien Jr. [Out of Character]:
And in doing so, he may save us all.
Keeper:
And with all the books!
Father Grandfather [Out of Character]:
I got it! 26—
Keeper:
Oh!
Father Grandfather [Out of Character]:
—out of 35.
Keeper:
You only lose one point of Sanity as this hideous thing lunges out at you.
Cyril Bridgewater [Out of Character]:
Because, obviously, it makes perfect sense to him.
[Cast laughs.]
Father Grandfather [Out of Character]:
I’ve seen worse.
[Cast laughs.]
Keeper:
And this thing claws across your—
Father Grandfather [Out of Character]:
This isn’t my first jaunt with evil.
Keeper:
—claws across your—it claws across your face with some nasty—
[SFX: Claws raking across human flesh.]
Keeper:
—hook claws on one of its twisted hands and just rips your face open for 5 points of Damage.
Father Grandfather [Out of Character]:
What? It rips my face open?
Keeper:
And then it’s your turn.
Hank O’Brien Jr. [Out of Character]:
How do you like it, bitch?
Keeper:
And this thing is just clambering at you, trying to claw your eyes out.
Father Grandfather [Out of Character]:
I’m down to 7!
Hank O’Brien Jr. [Out of Character - as the vicious beast]:
“I warned you about my claws before you opened that door!”
Father Grandfather [Out of Character]:
Well, what I’d like to do—since my face is pretty much gone—
Keeper:
And this thing is just covering you in disgusting, stinking slime.
Father Grandfather [Out of Character]:
—what I want to do is go “Touchdown!” and slam-dunk the landmine right at our feet, sending us both to our separate dimensional places.
Hank O’Brien Jr. [Out of Character]:
Separate and unequal places.
[Cast laughs.]
Keeper:
Okay.
Father Grandfather [Out of Character]:
Separate and unequal places. So should I roll to see what happens? Because my Throw is top-notch.
Keeper:
Oh, you don’t even need Throw—
Father Grandfather [Out of Character]:
No, I don’t.
Keeper:
—because you’re just setting it off.
Hank O’Brien Jr. [Out of Character]:
That crazy son of a bitch!
Father Grandfather [Out of Character]:
I’ll headbutt it.
Keeper:
Let’s see, roll a d100. Let me tell you if you get—or, let me see if you get higher than 10.
Father Grandfather [Out of Character]:
32.
Keeper:
Okay. So it’s not a dud. And you slam this thing down and it goes off. Roll for Damage.
Father Grandfather [Out of Character]:
4d6. Look, I’m done for.
Sam Spade [Out of Character]:
Why don’t you use one of my dice? I want to be a part of this.
[Cast laughs.]
Keeper:
Is everybody going to contribute a dice?
Cyril Bridgewater [Out of Character]:
This die—this die has a flamingo for a 1. It’s very special.
Father Grandfather:
This is for the Lord. I’m taking the house. I’m taking the house with me. Praise Jesus! Tell it on the mountain that I’m about to create.
[Cast laughs.]
Hank O’Brien Jr. [Out of Character]:
A crater.
Father Grandfather [Out of Character]:
Tell it in the crater!
Cyril Bridgewater [Out of Character]:
Yeah, technically, the opposite of a mountain.
Father Grandfather [Out of Character]:
12.
Keeper:
Okay. So there is a catastrophic explosion—
[SFX: Violent explosion.]
Cyril Bridgewater:
Je-sus!
[SFX: Glass shatters.]
Sam Spade:
I tap out my pipe.
[Cast laughs.]
Hank O’Brien Jr.:
It’s like, Well, I think we’re done here.
Sam Spade:
Case is closed.
Cyril Bridgewater:
I’m crouched on the ground. Deloras is near me. Maybe I try to chivalrichly, you know, shield her.
Hank O’Brien Jr. [Out of Character]:
Block—block? Yeah.
Keeper:
The—
Father Grandfather [Out of Character]:
You all roll for Damage. Splinters of wood.
Keeper:
You guys hear the sound of collapsing, probably of the attic, a lot of it collapsing down into the floor below.
[SFX: Wood splintering and crashing.]
Keeper:
There’s a strange howl—
[SFX: Echoing, ethereal howl.]
Father Grandfather [Out of Character]:
That’s coming from me.
Keeper:
—and then just eerie silence.
Cyril Bridgewater:
I stand up. What—do we see a hole where the house used to be or…?
Keeper:
No, no. I mean, it was—he went in with an AP landmine. Personnel were anti-ed.
[Cast laughs.]
Keeper:
But basically, it’s not really enough destructive force to bring down the house—
Father Grandfather [Out of Character]:
It’s enough to get—
Keeper:
— although it is decrepit, but yeah, like, it—it probably did some damage but you guys are hanging out—
Deloras Delaney [Out of Character]:
Structural damage?
Keeper:
Yeah. Things are not looking safe.
Father Grandfather [Out of Character]:
I’m at negative 5 Health. Just so you know.
Keeper:
Yeah. So basically if you guys get to him within three seconds, he doesn’t die.
Father Grandfather [Out of Character]:
No, I’m done for!
Sam Spade:
As I’m trying to get into the house, That thing looks like it’s about to come down.
Keeper:
Yeah, so, anybody going to go in?
Hank O’Brien Jr. [Out of Character]:
I mean—
Sam Spade [Out of Character]:
Alright, shit. Fine. I’ll go in.
Deloras Delaney [Out of Character]:
Hell, I’m adventurous.
Sam Spade:
I go in very gingerly.
Cyril Bridgewater:
Hank and I look at each other—
Keeper:
You go in and the—looks like most of the attic is collapsed in.
Sam Spade [Out of Character]:
Yeah, we’re not going up there.
Keeper:
You find the mutilated corpse of your compatriot along with—
[SFX: Dramatic stinger.]
Hank O’Brien Jr. [Out of Character - sarcastically]:
A bear ate him!
Keeper:
—blown-apart bits of some freakish person possibly? You’re not really sure. Roll Sanity.
Deloras Delaney:
Well, he died as he lived.
Keeper:
This is a pretty horrifying situation.
[Dice roll.]
Sam Spade [Out of Character]:
83. I failed that one.
Hank O’Brien [Out of Character]:
He died as he lived, with one foot cocked in the grave.
Father Grandfather [Out of Character]:
Fuck y’all. End this game!
Keeper:
You lose 3 points of Sanity. It’s unsettling, but not, like, pants-shitting terrifying. Like, this is—
Father Grandfather [Out of Character]:
He should be happy!
Keeper:
Yeah.
Sam Spade [Out of Character]:
Yeah, part of me is thrilled inside.
Keeper:
Part of you is happy but there’s something else here. That other thing is not—not human.
Cyril Bridgewater [Out of Character]:
I rolled 18.
Keeper:
Looks like even before the explosion it didn’t have legs.
Father Grandfather [Out of Character]:
I destroyed the books, yeah.
Keeper:
18? Lose a Sanity point, but otherwise—you’re a little disturbed.
Deloras Delany [Out of Character]:
I rolled a 2.
Keeper:
Lose a Sanity point. Only one. Are you staying outside, Hank?
Father Grandfather [Out of Character]:
The game’s not long enough to lose it all.
Hank O’Brien Jr. [Out of Character]:
I ain’t going in there! There’s an ex—where the bomb went off!
Keeper:
Clutching in one of his smoking hands that has been disconnected from his body is what looks like a big, singed book.
Cyril Bridgewater:
If I see that first, I’ll pick it up.
Father Grandfather [Out of Character]:
Oh, I need to point something out.
Sam Spade:
Part of me is going along with the idea that burning this place down where it stands right now is probably the best course of action. Just—
Deloras Delaney:
Did I not call that when I came in?
Sam Spade [Out of Character]:
I was just about to say, as you suggested.
Father Grandfather [Out of Character]:
I need to tell the G.M. something secret. Hold on. Hold on.
Sam Spade [Out of Character]:
You’re dead!
Father Grandfather [Out of Character]:
No. It doesn’t matter!
Deloras Delaney [Out of Character]:
His ghost comes back!
Sam Spade [Out of Character]:
You’re dead. Stop manipulating!
Deloras Delaney [Out of Character]:
Wooooooo! Spooky.
Father Grandfather [Out of Character]:
This is something y’all forgot!
Hank O’Brien Jr. [Out of Character]:
He’s resurrected three days later.
Keeper:
Either of you guys looking over things a little more closely? Because it looks like he obviously found something. Maybe he’s got more things on him.
Cyril Bridgewater:
I’m examining this book: Von Junzt’s Nameless Cults.
[SFX: Pages turning in a book.]
Keeper:
It’s all written in English. Looks like it’s an English translation of a German book. The page you’re looking at is a page that looks like it was folded open to.
Cyril Bridgewater:
I would say we got one hundred percent confirmed that some evil black magic is involved in this!
[Cast laughs.]
Cyril Bridgewater:
How do you guys feel about the name “Mother of Pus?”
[SFX: Dramatic stinger.}
Deloras Delaney:
Not good, frankly.
Keeper:
Speaking of which, the page across from that seems to be some elaborate ritual, general description of which seems to be something about empowering the Mother of Pus into a goddess and herald of the end times. And there are extensive notes on the procedure for doing so.
Cyril Bridgewater [Out of Character]:
Do I—I’ll roll for this somehow. Is Cyril going to draw any direct connection between this and the exploded girl?
[Dice roll.]
Cyril Bridgewater [Out of Character]:
Rolled a 22. Say is that—that’s Occult. Then I have a 26.
Keeper:
Okay, well, looking it over, supposedly there’s some stuff about mothers, and fathers, and mortal women, and things like that. Mortal woman birthing a god. That could be it, but you know, this is crazy. Speaking of which, reading through this, you gain a point of Cthulhu Mythos and lose a point of Sanity.
Cyril Bridgewater [Out of Character]:
Fun!
Keeper:
Just reading through one page of this book. With your Occult background, looking at that other page, that ritual looks like it’s some kind of crazy call-and-response song, supposedly with this entity called the Black Goat of the Woods.
Cyril Bridgewater [Out of Character]:
I mean, do I see words, do I see rhyming lyrics?
Keeper:
There’s some words. There’s some strange phonetic pronunciations. A lot of things that look like they would be incredibly hard to rhyme. Some things that are about sixteen-letter-long words with no vowels. Looks like it would be difficult, but you’ve sung worse material.
Sam Spade [Out of Character]:
Where the hell are you playing? I mean, really.
Deloras Delaney [Out of Character]:
Are you possessed by Father Grandfather right now?
Cyril Bridgewater:
It looks like someone tried to write down scat music.
[Cast laughs.]
Keeper:
So are you guys going to look over the rest of the stuff, try to see if you can find anything else?
Sam Spade [Out of Character]:
I’m not touching that dead man’s body because I don’t trust him to not booby-trap his own corpse. “You die!”
Keeper:
Okay. So, Cyril, you’re looking over everything?
Cyril Bridgewater [Out of Character]:
Yeah, I rolled a 7 of Spot Hidden, so…
Keeper:
Okay. Well, you notice a kind of—propped underneath the majority of Father’s body is what looks like another book spattered in his blood. You go in and go to pull it out. Make either an Agility times 5 test or a Luck test.
[Dice roll.]
Cyril Bridgewater [Out of Character]:
I rolled a 4.
Keeper:
That’s good.
Cyril Bridgewater [Out of Character]:
Okay.
Keeper:
Okay, so as you go to yank that thing out from underneath his twisted corpse, his leg, which has been bent at an unnatural angle up into the air, kind of turns a little and his shoe flops off, and a stick of dynamite lands right next to your hand as you’re pulling it out.
[SFX: Dramatic stinger.]
Cyril Bridgewater:
Umm….
Sam Spade:
I think we just found the answer to all our problems.
Cyril Bridgewater:
Yeah, you want to—Sam, I feel like this is just a huge problem that we should just walk away from all of this.
Sam Spade:
I agree. Let’s blow this house up and we’ll just go out for pizza or beer.
Deloras Delaney:
Walk away. No turning back.
Hank O’Brien Jr.:
You don’t want to save the dynamite and burn it down instead?
Sam Spade:
What am I going to do with a stick of dynamite?
Deloras Delaney:
I think the dynamite will also burn down the house.
Sam Spade:
If I leave—
Hank O’Brien Jr.:
If Cyril said that there’s a birthing of a god who’s going to cause the end times…
Keeper:
Yeah, speaking of which, Cyril, you just kind of casually flip open to the last page—
[SFX: Pages turning in a book.]
Keeper:
—of the diary. What that seems to be, that other book you’ve taken out, and this is what you find. It’s the excerpt that the Father had read previously.
Cyril Bridgewater:
This is another Hetfield. Oh, man.
“…I leave this minute for Arkham where amid the offal and decay, she awaits my call.”
This is dated April 15th.
Keeper:
Yesterday.
Cyril Bridgewater:
Yesterday. We got a crazy woman running around in Arkham. Let’s get some matches. I got some matches here.
Sam Spade:
I got a lighter. I’ll just—you know, well, I’ll take care of it right now.
Hank O’Brien Jr.:
You got a pipe! Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Cyril Bridgewater:
Alright, everybody run!
Keeper:
So you light up the dynamite, toss it—
Sam Spade:
Oh, no, no, no. I walk outside with the stick of dynamite, light it, toss it through the window—
Keeper:
Throw it through the open door?
Sam Spade:
—and then I walk to the car. Run to the car.
Father Grandfather [Out of Character]:
Wait, did I die for nothing?
Sam Spade [Out of Character]:
Yes, you did!
Father Grandfather [Out of Character]:
Did I just do that? Give my life and we’re not even at the endgame?
Keeper:
So you hurl the dynamite into the building—
[SFX: Dynamite fuse hisses. Glass shatters.]
Keeper:
—which has already been pretty structurally damaged. The dynamite finally brings it all—
[SFX: Explosion. Wooden beams ricochet.]
Keeper:
—collapsing down into a smokey ruin. And you guys, I guess, “cool guy” walk back to your car.
Sam Spade [Out of Character]:
Yeah. Superhero style. As a team. Slow motion.
Cyril Bridgewater:
You guys ever Indian Hop? Because—
Sam Spade:
Yeah.
Cyril Bridgewater:
—because I’m about to—
Sam Spade:
On the way down, we’re about to hop.
Cyril Bridgewater:
I’m going to—yeah, okay, well then, I’m not above sharing because this is not—this has not been a good day.
[Outro Music: Groovy horns and bass vamp.]
Narrator:
And so the good Father is laid to rest. And while in life he may have died unmourned and unloved, the folks at Omniverse have seen fit to throw him a wake.
In our Patreon-exclusive podcast series, Cthulhu Cthommentary, our usual cast of creators is joined by actor Brandon Gerson, the deranged brain behind Father Grandfather, and many spirited memorials ensue.
[SFX: Radio static]
Colin Peterson - Sound Designer:
What I would love is a Father Grandfather choose-your-own-adventure, because I feel like-
[Cat, Luke, and Brandon laugh]
Colin Peterson:
His like… crazy decision-making process very much seems like choose-your-own-adventure… Like, which Bible do you bring?
Brandon Gerson - Actor:
The one that has a folded-up machete, the one that has a grenade- I always wanted to do a choose-your-own-adventure but with the combination of, and added benefit of, scratch-and-sniff.
[Cat laughs]
Brandon Gerson:
But I want it to be- I want it to be unusual like, “oh this thing smells like…” and you rub it, “oh! Sulphur! That means a demon’s around.”
[SFX: Radio static]
If you love The Call of Cthulhu Mystery Program and would like to ensure our continued production, and perhaps even research and development on… questionable scratch and sniff products… head to Patreon.com/OmniverseMedia.
We may have sponsorships and ads from time to time, it’s true, but what keeps the lights on here at W.I.S. is you. Listener support is our bread and butter, so please consider joining in the funding of our endeavors in audio entertainment. And if you do - oh, the rewards we have waiting for you… again, at Patreon.com/OmniverseMedia
Of course, if financial contributions are out of the question, we certainly understand. You can still do us a great favor by rating and reviewing us on Apple Podcasts or Podchaser, or simply by telling a friend. It would be greatly appreciated.
But enough of my jabbering. How about some music? This is a record made by a troupe of vaudevillians called Walter Sickert & The Army of Broken Toys. If that sounds a little off-color and eerie to you, well, I don’t know what you’re doing up so late.
For all of you night owls in the mood for more grim tales, here’s a dark little ditty off their long player, Soft Time Traveler. It’s called “Devil’s in the Details.” Isn’t he just.
[Walter Sickert & The Army of Broken Toys: “Devil’s in the Details”]
Announcer:
Thanks for listening to The Call of Cthulhu Mystery Program!
Please rate and review us on Apple Podcasts or Podchaser and be sure to subscribe to our series via your favorite podcast player to get all the latest episodes.
Episode 7: “The Hetfield Horror” - was written and performed by Luke Stram, Cat Blackard, Doug Banks, Kay, Brandon Gerson, and Ruel Knudson - and is based on the Call of Cthulhu module “Behold the Mother” from Dead Reckonings, published by Chaosium Incorporated.
The series is edited and produced by Colin Peterson and Cat Blackard and the original score is composed and performed by Ryan McQuinn and Mike McQuinn of Neon Dolphin - home for all your custom music needs and more. Neondolphinmusic.com.
For full episode credits, transcripts, as well as character sheets and other supplemental material - visit CthulhuMystery.com.
This program is made possible by the support of listeners like YOU. Join us at Patreon.com/OmniverseMedia
All characters appearing are fictitious and any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental.
This series is recorded and produced in Central Florida and Nashville, Tennessee on lands ruthlessly taken from their indiginous people: the Timucua and Seminole, and Yuchi, Shawnee, and Cherokee - respectively. To learn more about the first nations of the land where you live visit: native-land.ca
This has been The Call of Cthulhu Mystery Program… Goodnight
[Music fades]
[Omniverse Audio Brand]